Known Jeff for 40 years

 

My first trip to Elmira in 1976, Nervous about meeting parents but excited to meet Jeff, the big brother I always wanted.

 

From the very beginning Jeff welcomed me into the family. He was excited about finally having a brother.  We immediately bonded, having someone near and dear to both of us, our mutual best friend, Debbie.

 

It was clear from the very beginning that Jeff was unique. “Big Jeff”, as Debbie referred to him became my little big brother. 

 

Over time, I came to appreciate his sense of humor. It was sometimes subtle but never off color. He never made jokes at the expense of anyone else. He was always caring and sensitive never wanting to offend anyone.

 

Several years after Debbie and I got married, we began having children. Over night, Jeff became “Uncle Big Jeff”, a name we have endearingly called him for the last 36 years.

 

There was nothing more important to Jeff than his family. He touched all of us.  If you mentioned a recording artist or song that you liked, weeks later he would have a CD customized for you.

 

He stayed in touch through Facebook. Never forgetting a birthday or anniversary. If there was a family event within his comfortable driving range, he’d try to be there.  If there was something farther away, he’d try to fly, especially if Debbie and I were going as well. He never traveled without a suitcase filled with CD’s for all of his nephews, nieces and cousins. Even my 84 year old mother noted he was her favorite table companion at family events. They always landed at the “senior” singles table together.

 

Jeff called Debbie every Sunday night at 10:00 religiously. If we were out of town on a Sunday night, he’d call the very next Monday night. He spent every Passover with us, no matter what city we happened to be living in. While there may have been a thousand miles separating us, we never felt that far away from him. He was always just a phone call away.

 

I remember when Lillian passed away. He was devastated and afraid. For the first time in his life, he was living by himself. He asked me what he should do. He was frightened and felt alone. At that point, I had never lost a parent so had little experience to share with him. But I did know we would always be there for him. I told him he would never be alone. He had Debbie, me, Marc, Phillip, Bryna and Erin. He still had his amazing and humongous contingent of Aunts and Uncles and at least at my last count 1000 cousins.

 

While many of us worried whether or not he could make it all by himself, he surprised us all. He had his students, his Synagogue and his family. Jeff was never alone.

 

In fact, I can’t remember a day Jeff wasn’t happy and upbeat. His passion for family, his students and his Synagogue kept him going strong. 

 

Jeff was not your typical teacher.  He looked for innovative ways to keep his kids interested and engaged. I remember walking through the mall with Jeff on visits and young adults would stop him and say “Hi Mr. Etkind”. They would exchange pleasantries and then afterwards I’d ask who that was. Jeff would say that was one of his students from years ago. That scene repeated itself many times whenever I was in Elmira visiting. His interest in his students didn’t stop in the classroom. If there was a child flunking out, he’d offer to tutor them after hours. If they were in an abusive family situation or without resources, he would provide them with a sympathetic ear or even take them shopping in the mall.

 

He provided counseling to them to work through whatever personal crisis they were experiencing. In public health circles, it’s a well-documented fact that a child’s health is more influenced by social determinants such as their home environment and poverty than going to see their doctor. Jeff may not have been familiar with the tenets of Public Health, but he knew intuitively that his students needed acknowledgement, affirmation and encouragement. They needed to know someone cared about them. Jeff cared about them all. Jeff was an extraordinary teacher who positively touched hundreds of young lives.  He even included Debbie in his efforts to help his students. He’d ask her to take them to the mall to buy school clothes.

 

Even since we arrived in Elmira this Tuesday we continue to run into former students. From the clerk at the front desk of our hotel to the young lady at the Dry Cleaners who said Mr. Etkind had been her teacher.

 

Of course Jeff loved music. I think he knew more about music than Dick Clark, Ryan Seacrest and even Cousin Brucie all put together. He could tell us what new artist was going to be a huge hit before anyone had ever heard of them.  A trip to the record store was always a must wherever we lived when he came to visit. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago when he drove to the Friedman wedding in Pikipsie, he chose to listen to the radio rather than operate his GPS because he didn’t know how to operate them both at the same time. He had his AAA trip-tik for directions and his music on the radio. On his way home, he stopped in Binghamton to drop off school supplies and take one of his former students shopping in the mall.

 

As I look back and think about all of my interactions with Jeff, I regret not being a better brother in law. There were times I didn’t laugh at one of his corny jokes or was impatient when he wasn’t on time.  I imagine many of us may be thinking about what we could have done differently to make him know how much we loved him.

 

But I don’t want to remember him with regret. We should honor Jeff’s life for what he taught us. Love of family, music, children. His commitment for Tikun Olum…repairing the world, one good deed after another.  Our world, or at least mine, is so much richer and fulfilling having known and loved him. Goodbye my friend, my brother.

 

Jim Shmerling